he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
