I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
