The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Randomize
