Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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