I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Randomize
