Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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