is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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