I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
