Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
