im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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