the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
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she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
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I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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