we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
