I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
