oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
