she looked like the before picture.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
