he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
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