i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
