I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
