Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Randomize
