My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
