Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Randomize
