I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I need to calm my uterus...
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
