Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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