And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
