This is not my ceiling
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
