apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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