i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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