i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
