mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
