I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
