Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
