Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
