I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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