i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
