You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Randomize
