I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Randomize
