It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
