There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Randomize
