i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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