I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
