i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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