gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
