I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
