Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
My apartment stinks of burning failure
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
