Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
