i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
