My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
