There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
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