In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
