i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
