I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
