So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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