he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
