This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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