How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Randomize
