The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
That's intense
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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