I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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