Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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