Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Randomize
