I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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