How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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