those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
