i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
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