alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
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